Getting to yes with yourself

emotional intelligence , book-notes

Before you can negotiate with others, you need to be in sync with yourself. This book applies the negotiating principles to yourself.

This is a summary of Getting to yes with yourself

1) Put yourself in your shoes ☑

  • Figure out what your elephant REALLY wants (Switch)
  • Seek first to understand yourself (7H)
  • When you judge yourself, you shutdown and can’t find what you really want
  • Acceptance induces safety, and only from safety can you find what you really want
  • See yourself form the balcony
    • Respond instead of reacting.
    • Going to Balcony == Be Mindful, Self Aware and Objective
    • Choose your response, but it’s a two sided stick and you get the consequences.
    • Reaction:
      • Feels good, but need to realize there is a VERY negative consequence.
      • Negative Reactions: Attack (Win:Lose) -> Accommodate (Lose:Win) -> Avoid (Lose:Lose)
    • Use self-awareness to catch your desire to react
      • Need to build self-awareness muscle (SIY)
      • Practice mindfulness (and have a grounding spot)
      • Practice mindfulness before event to make it easier.
  • Listen with Empathy
    • 80% of thoughts are negative.
    • Observe self: Detached view of a scientist.
    • Listen to self: What it feels like to be you.
    • Listening to self exercise
      • Don’t judge, or they will not feel safe, and won’t talk.
      • Name your neurosis, and sit them down at a table, and listen to them non-judgementally
      • Because “negative emotions are safe to speak” they get less power, and have less desire to attack at “bad” times.
      • Don’t just listen, understand the cause, and what you can do to help.
      • Be curious, ask yourself, isn’t that interesting. Ask the neurosis, why is that.
    • This is an opportunity to learn physical self awareness, to help notice your emotions.
    • Huge benefit, your mind is more clear, and you silence the self to concentrate and get into flow.
  • Uncover your needs
    • Your elephant is non-verbal, negative emotions are it’s mode of communicating your needs.
    • Dig hard for your needs, don’t settle for a position, but why, what do you really want. What is done. (XREF: Essentialisim)
    • Magic Question Why? Why? Why?
    • Deepest needs: Happiness: Protection/Safety and Love/Connection
  • From Self Judgment to Self Understanding
    • Before fighting with others, need to make sure you TRUELY know what you want.
    • Accepting yourself for who you are is NOT a cop out. Acceptance produces safety, which lets us digg deater.

2) Develop your inner BATNA ☑

The ideas in this chapter are great, but I think connecting the concepts to inner BATNA is ackward. Thus my summary doesn’t track well with the books

  • A cross between 7H: Be Proactive, AND take responsibility for meeting your own needs.
  • When you COMMIT to unconditionally take care of your needs, you have all the power.
    • SWITCH: Your elephant can rest assured it will be fed and cared for regardless of what’s going on externally.
    • This gives you much more psychic space in your relationships, making them better relationships.
    • SIY: Grandmother mind - you are your own best grandma.
  • Responsibility holds Power VS blame gives it away.
  • Take responsibility for what you’ve got, and make the most of it - DO NOT BLAME Life (welcome to Holland).
  • Focus on what you can do to make things better, NOT the fact that you screwed something up in the past.
  • In a relationship, focus on what YOU CAN DO going forward in the relationship, not on blaming the other person. Doing this:

    • Gives clarity to your needs in the relationships.
    • Gives “psychic space” for other party in relationship
    • Lets you be objectives about your needs, and your expectations from other party.
  • Own your life
    • Need self-understanding and self-responsibility
      • Just self-understanding => self-pity
      • Just self-responsibility => self-blame.
    • Self blame => Past looking, I WAS a failure.
    • Self responsibility => Forward looking what CAN I do to make this successful?
    • (really it’s the next section, where ‘self/life’ is the relationship)
  • Own your relations
    • When you point a finger at someone, 3 fingers point back at you.
    • All relationships are two ways streets, if there’s a problem, you own a CHUNK.
    • Leave the blame territory, and enter the how do we improve this in the future territory.
    • Know what you bring to the relationship, and what is negotiable and non-negotiable from the other party
    • Great Anecdote on divorce requirements.
  • Own your needs
    • BATNA, how you satisfy your needs in case you can’t get a WIN/WIN?
    • Inner BATNA - know YOU WILL ALWAYS meet your needs, so don’t have to worry.
    • Gives you confidence that you don’t need to be desperate.
  • From blame to responsibility
    • Touching story about author’s dying daughter Gabi, and how hard it was to deal with doctors.
    • Two top changes:
      • Needed to stop expecting things from doctor’s they could provide for themselves, and let dr’s bring only what they needed to bring, their expertise.
      • Needed to stop blaming life for a bum deal, and instead take responsibility for making the most out of what they had.

3) Reframe your picture ☐

Abundance not Scarcity: A rising tide raises all boats

Expecations are a self fulling prophecy. Believe the world good or bad, and that’s how you’ll interpret it, and that’s how it will become

  • Remember your connection to life
  • Make your own happiness
  • Appreciate life’s lessons
  • From unfriendly to friendly.

4) Stay in the zone ☐

  • Learn to let go
  • Accept the past
  • Trust the future
  • Embrace the present
  • From resistance to acceptance

5) Respect them even if ☐

  • Put yourself in thier shoes
  • Expand your circle of respect
  • Respect them even if they reject you
  • From exclusion to inclusion

6) Give and Recieve ☐

  • Give for mutual gain
  • Give for pleasure and meaning
  • Give what you are here to give
  • From Win/Lose to Win/Win/Win

7) The 3 wins ☑

  • How do we get what we want, while meeting the needs of others?
  • The better we meet our own needs, the better we can meet the needs of others
  • We choose to be our own ally or our enemy. and we choose to be the ally or enemy in our relationships.
  • A win within
    • I will give myself the most trouble today. I stand in the way of my goals.
    • Do the practices in this book, to be satisified with yourself
  • A win with others
    • Every thing you do to get to yes with yourself, makes it easier to get to yes with others
  • A win for the whole
    • When you succeed with yourself, and with others, then the whole world benefits
  • Winning the game of life
    • It’s about creating inner satisfaction, which makes your life and relationships better. It’s hard but worth it.