Week 682AZ - Achievement Unlocked. Cave Rescue. Wow

“Chaperones, you’ve got your first aid kits, spare headlamps, and emergency food. Grab 7 kids, do their final gear check, wait 10 minutes after the group in front of disappears, your turn to descend into the dark.” I was chaperoning Zach’s 7th-grade caving trip. The trip should be one of those magical experiences the kids remember for the rest of their lives - I know I will.

A wise man once told me: Never let the truth get in the way of a good story. This telling adds drama and excitement. The cast are composite characters who weren’t really there. For folks that were there, know who arey and I’m grateful, if it werenof your this story would have had a different ending

Let’s talk about the Ape Cave. Pitch black, 2 miles long, 40 degrees regardless of the outside air temperature (that’s 4 degrees for my Celsius-speaking Canadian friends), carved by a lava flow 2000 years ago, with lots of scrambles and an 8-foot lava waterfall. It’s hard to describe, so I included a random Youtube video to give you a feel for it.

My first lucky break came 10 minutes earlier - “What the hell are you doing?” said a veteran chaperone, looking at my brightly colored mismatched Crocs with disgust. “You can’t wear sandals into the Ape Cave! Maybe you don’t care if you break your ankles. Maybe you don’t care if you’re a dumbass, but don’t be an irresponsible example for the 7th graders - get your shit together.”

TODO: Picture of my Crocs

My second lucky break: Because I had to run back to my car to change into boots, I ended up at the back of the parent line. When it was my turn, there were only 2 7th graders left - Beth, who I’d soon find out was a fierce, incredibly brave young lady, and Wyatt, her “boyfriend.” [Editor: This part seems like an unimportant tangent, but having 2 kids only made it much easier]

“Helmets, batteries, lights, food - you two are ready - zip up your backpacks. Let’s go!” The kids’ gear inspection complete, we started in the cave. Beth and Wyatt were awesome, super excited to be in this dark amazing cave.

The cave starts with a really big scramble - think climbing over a rock avalanche. Wyatt, from natural fearlessness or maybe trying to impress his young lady friend, tried to get ahead, and I yelled at him to stay back with me. Beth, more cautious, wasn’t sure where to step, was probably working through some well-deserved fear. To make sure she had a good experience, I went a few feet in front of her, showed her where to step, and called out places where rocks were loose and good handholds. Even though I was looking ahead, I was listening carefully. She’d freeze every few steps, and I’d say, “You good?”, to make sure she was. “Yup,” she’d answer and keep going. Getting into a groove, I stopped paying attention and lost my footing. “You good?” Beth asked me, “Yup,” I chuckled, being impressed by how this 13-year-old was keeping tabs on the person who was supposed to make sure she was safe.

After a lot of scrambles, they were getting comfortable, so I moved behind and let them lead. In case you’ve forgotten, in 7th grade, a “boyfriend” is someone you need to have your bestie call every few weeks to make sure you’re still ‘going out.’ The cave is pitch black except for our headlamps, to make it more exciting I asked if Beth and Wyatt wanted to try turning off their head lamps. The first time we tried it, Beth and Wyatt were a few feet a part. The second time, they were a foot apart with that tenative hand brush testing if you’d get a hand hold. The third time our lights came back on, they were holding hands comfortably. So sweet.

It’s hard to tell time in a dark, cold cave. More time, more scrambles, now Wyatt and Beth were rushing ahead. “Slow down,” I said calmly, and in my head continued, “You spend your life in the light, this is the only 2 hours you’ll be in the pitch black.” But what do 13-year-olds care? They kept scrambling, me a few feet behind them.

Beth let out a little yelp, “Ow, I cut my ankle.” “Stop, sit down, let me look.” Barely any blood. “You want a band-aid?” I asked. “Nah, I’m good,” she said bravely. She got up, touched her foot to the ground, another yelp. “Meh, she’ll walk it off in a minute,” I thought. But then she started crying.

Sheesh, I sighed in my head, a little girl overreacting. We looked at her ankle again, maybe a light strain. After a few minutes, Beth sucked up her tears and was like, “OK, let’s go.” One hop, one step, and a scream of pain. “OK, let’s sit back down,” I said.

As a chaperone, I was equipped with an Ace bandage, but the only “training” I’d had in using one was a spotty recollection of an ankle getting sprained and wrapped on TV. I did a pretty shitty ankle wrap, but it shouldn’t matter. I was wrapping up her confidence more than the ankle. Wyatt was a godsend here as his caring was keeping Beth calm and encouraging her that she’d be OK.

Ankle wrapped, we waited a few minutes. “Put your arm around my shoulder,” I said, “let’s hop.” She was small, maybe 4 foot 6, so I was too high for her to get her weight on me, and she probably didn’t want to lean on some random stranger. Her foot touched the ground, another yelp, tears again. Hmmm, OK, maybe we have a real sprain here. Damn, wish I knew how to wrap her ankle better.

I wasn’t sure how far into the cave we were, but I knew we had very rough going behind us, and I didn’t want to do that again, so forward we go. (Consulting a map, after the fact, that was a bad idea, we weren’t even halfway through).

Beth was light and wouldn’t put her weight on me. I’ve been training for a while, so I just scooped her up in a front carry and started walking. After 5 minutes, my back was getting unhappy from the forward weight. The next stretch of cave had 6 inches of water through the middle of the cave. There were dry scrambles on the sides, but I couldn’t use my hands as they were holding Beth, so we went through the water, my socks squished as the water flooded my boots. Beth, super sweet, “Oh my god, let me hop, you can’t go through a swimming pool.” I laughed out loud, “Really, a swimming pool? Have you ever been in a pool? It’s only 2 inches of water.”

5 more minutes of front carry and we heard the group in front of us, but couldn’t see them in the dark. “Hold up, let us get through. This is hard,” they yelled from in front. It took them 5 minutes to clear, but I was tired, so a break felt great. Beth was upset now, we were holding up another group. “Wanna see a magic trick?” I said. “What?!” I could see her disbelief in the glow of my headlamp. By the light of headlamps, magic trick done, she tucked the card with her name on it into her pocket.

Finally, the group ahead of us had cleared. (Add Beth trying to hop again.) Sigh, I just picked her up. Not being able to use my hands through the scramble, but luckily I’d been training one-legged squats, so it was kind of fun.

We got to the place the group ahead of us had taken a long time. I could see why. 8-foot sheer rock face (it’s called a lava fall, think waterfall but made of Lava), 8-foot climb you were supposed to do with the aid of a rope, but the rope was totally frayed, so it wasn’t safe to use.

No hands, I couldn’t get her up, and no way she could get up. I sat Beth down and joined her. Hmmm, no problem, I’d wait for the teacher at the back of the pack that knew what they were doing to bail me out.

Another group of kids came up from behind us. At this point, Beth was calm (maybe that magic trick worked), but now she kept worrying about inconveniencing me and the others. “Relax,” I said, “this is way more fun for me. I sit for a living, 45 hours a week, for the last 23 years. Most fun I’ve had forever.” We let the group pass us. Some kids got up quick, but the “indoor kids” took longer. It was hard, maybe 5 minutes.

And now the best luck I had that day. From the darkness, a dim round light, then a woman’s voice “Hey, I’m Tessa, sounds like you can use a hand”. Tessa heard we had an injury and she came to help.

“Nah,” I responded, “we’ll just wait for the super teacher taking up the back of the line.” “No, you won’t,” Tessa told me, “he’s not coming.” (That’s worth another story later). A touch of panic, but then I recalled what the super teacher said earlier to the kids - Look if things go wrong, that’s called life, you need to make it work anyways. I sat there for 20 seconds, and then accepted Tessa’s hand pulling me up. Tessa, if you’re reading this, I am eternally grateful for your help. Without you, I’d likely have required just as much rescuing as Beth.

Tessa knew what she was doing. Looking at the 8 foot lava fall, she said, “OK, one of us can push her up, the other can pull her over”. Starting to think for the first time, “Hmmm, I’m probably stronger, maybe I should get up and pull”. “Good idea,” she said, and with her pushing and my pulling, we got Beth up with only a few screams of pain.

Tessa was very competent. She found some foot and handholds in the lava fall and got up quickly. Getting a good look at me, she said, “You’re tired. Give me Beth. I’ll carry her for a turn” I was confused. Maybe Tessa was small, but she was awfully small. There was no way she could carry Beth. Well, no way she could carry Beth in that dumb macho way I was doing it. She gave Beth a piggyback ride. “OMG - I thought,” I need to start thinking.

I’m guessing the only person reading this far is me, so switching to point form

• Beth wanting to not be a burden, so offering to hop.
  • At first I tried to stop her, but gave up, and said she could hop till her first wince of pain
  • Then I said you can hop for 1 minute at a time, then back to being carriedf
• Beth saying - “Ill have my parent pay you for this”
• Asking Beth what she was proud of, and it was being an equistrian, but a horse fell on her and broke her ankle, so now it twists easily
• Zach in another group, kids chearing for him as he went up the lava fall.
• Ankle touching wall, scream in pain, other parent spotting her ankle, and then realizing I could just rotate so my body would hit the rocks first
• Putting Beth down, scouting ahead with Tessa for the best path to traverse. Duh
• The false exit. TODO: Get a picture, and spell out how crazy it would be trying to climb that high
• Getting up that ladder, very small hole, squish in very tight
• Other parent helping me carry her down the hill
  • Her wanting to hop on the way down, explaining to other parent, don’t try to stop her, she can do a minute
• Beth wanting to stop before we got to the parking lot, and hop the last way back
• Wyatt getting her a cup of noodles (snack for the kids) when she got back.
• Foam rolling for an hour afterwards and taking a gram of Advil, but feeling normal the next morning, and swinging
• Zach confiding me that another parent said “I was a beast”

Epilogue

That night, as always, I was in bed by 8 p.m. In my closed tent, with my light off, I heard Beth’s voice - “Your dad is pretty cool”. Then Zach’s voice responding “Yeah, he does magic too” . “I know,” she said, and I imagined her patting her pants pocket. “My dad does balloons too, but they make a real mess.” I’m not sure what they said after that, as I drifted off with a a giant smile on my face, I fell asleep, completely satisfied.

Epilogue 2

I ended up getting hoodie for many of the VIPs in the story. Including Beth, and with each hoodie I included a hand written note. On the last day of school Beth came up to Zach and said “Your dad is my best human in the whole world”. Zach told me this and told me that’s because I got the hoodie. No, I said, it’s because of the note. The note said

“Beth, that cave was really hard, it was dark , scary, painful. No doubt you doubted yourself, who wouldn’t. But you are incredibly brave and feirce and so you got through it. There’s gonna be lots of hard stuff in life, and you won’t think you can handle it, but you can. Just remember how your bravery and fierceness got you through the cave.

A funny aside: Morning workout

Because I was going camping myself, I could bring what I wanted, which including a skipping rope and kettlebells. See I’ve decidd I want to have the strangest lookking workout there is. It’s called Kettle bells, and I started doing 1 armed swings (video), and Turkish Getups, and even upside turkish getups (video).

About 3 months ago, I watched a video that said, when you’re old, if you fall, you break your hip, and your odds of dying within the year shoots up like crazy. Thinking about it, I realized I could build my fall resistance by skipping on one leg in a circle. So every day, optimizing to look silly, I start hopping on my left foot, a revolution of the clock clockwise, and then the counterclockwise. And then I switch to my right foot, and do it again. Turns out, that gives you bullet proof ankles.

Any who that morning, I woke up, and did my one legged skiipping rope, and then I did my swings, and TGUs. But, I only brought my adjustable kettle bells, which max out below my working weight. After doing my light weights, I grumbled i didn’t get enough of a workout, so did some extra rounds, and was like, whatever, next time I’ll bring heavier bells, and I did it on an uneven surface, so good enough alright.

On my ride to the cave, I was complaining to the folks about this, that I didn’t get enough of a workout. They rolled their eyes, but being polite, kept their mouths shut.

Turns out good life choices.

3 years ago, with the help of the pandemic, I was in the wrosts shape of my life. On top of being old, and at my global weight maximum (230), I was incredibly inactive, and my quad would seize, and I’d collapse, unable to walk more then 20 minutes at a time. I found an amazign Physio Therapist, that rebuilt my ability to walk, and started to help me to fix my many physical problems.

Special Thanks to Tristan my trainer, and Lynelle my physiotherapist who transformed me from a 230 lbs man who collapsed when walking as little as 9 minutes into the person I am today.

A few takeaways for me

• First Aid Class
• Keep up the physical training
• If you’re not going to be the grown up, who will

• To anyone laughing at my workouts, I still know best

• Blog Ode to a Super Hero - How awesome Blaodel is

Other stuff I need to write about

• Chaperone Zach’s trip, no clue what was going on
• Being able to support kids and MVPs getting gifts
• Zach’s experience with Tears
• Talking to Zach about his relationships with his friends, and jelousy of the other ones
• Realizing everyone needs support, and is growing up
• Tori was right getting Zach the shoes.