How to build rapport and set people at ease
The like switch, written by an ex-FBI agent, goes into detail on how to make friends and influence people in a much more modern form.
- The friendship formula: Proximity, Frequency, Duration, Intensity
- Friend Signals
- Foe signals
- Feet Position
- Gauge depth of a relationship
- Golden rule of friendship - Make others feel good about themselves
- The book
The friendship formula: Proximity, Frequency, Duration, Intensity
Friendship doesn’t happen instantly—it’s built through four variables that combine over time:
- Proximity - Being physically near someone regularly. The more you’re around someone, the more familiar and comfortable they become with you.
- Frequency - How often you interact. Multiple brief encounters build familiarity faster than rare lengthy ones.
- Duration - Time spent together per interaction. As relationships develop, duration naturally increases.
- Intensity - How well you satisfy the other person’s psychological needs (feeling valued, understood). This is the accelerator that can compensate for lower proximity/frequency.
The formula explains why coworkers become friends, why neighbors wave, and why you can fast-track relationships by focusing on intensity.
Friend Signals
The eyebrow flash
A quick up-and-down movement of the eyebrows lasting about 1/6th of a second. It’s a universal “I’m not a threat” signal that we send unconsciously when we see someone we like. Use it deliberately when approaching strangers to signal friendly intent.
The head tilt
Exposing your neck (a vulnerable area) signals trust and non-threat. People who tilt their head during conversation are perceived as more attractive, trustworthy, and friendly. It’s a powerful rapport-builder, especially when combined with a smile.
The smile
Real smiles (Duchenne smiles) involve the muscles around the eyes, creating crow’s feet. Fake smiles only use mouth muscles. People unconsciously detect the difference. A genuine smile signals openness and makes others want to engage with you.
Touching
Light, brief touches on the arm or shoulder release oxytocin and build connection. The key is keeping it brief (under 3 seconds) and appropriate to context. Even accidental-seeming touches during conversation increase rapport.
Mirroring
Subtly matching someone’s posture, gestures, and speech patterns creates unconscious rapport. When people like each other, they naturally mirror. You can intentionally mirror to build connection, but keep it subtle—obvious mimicking feels creepy.
Whispering
Leaning in and lowering your voice creates intimacy and signals “you’re special—this is just for you.” It draws people in and makes them feel like confidants.
Food forking
Sharing food or eating from each other’s plates signals trust and intimacy. It’s why sharing appetizers on dates works—it creates a bonding moment. The more intimate the food sharing, the closer the relationship signal.
Head nodding
Nodding while someone speaks encourages them to continue and signals agreement/understanding. Triple nods are especially effective at getting people to talk more. It’s a simple way to make people feel heard.
Verbal Nudges
Short phrases like “I see,” “Go on,” “Really?” that encourage continued talking without interrupting. They signal active listening and make speakers feel valued. Combined with head nods, they’re powerful rapport tools.
Focused Attention
Putting away your phone, maintaining eye contact, and orienting your body toward someone. In a distracted world, giving someone your full attention is rare and appreciated. It satisfies the deep need to feel important.
More tips for fun and profit
Make a mitake to make folks more comfortable
- Light touch
- Girls - wear something in your hair
- Introduce yourself by name
- Give something
- Even a smiley face on your receipt
- Give mints
- Reath the customers order
- Provide good service
- Apply
Foe signals
These are the opposite of friend signals—they communicate hostility, dominance, or dismissal. Learn to recognize them in others, and avoid sending them accidentally.
Elongated stare
Holding eye contact beyond the comfortable 1-2 seconds signals aggression or dominance. It’s a primal threat display. If someone stares too long, they’re either challenging you or socially unaware. Break eye contact to de-escalate.
Elevator Eyes
Scanning someone up and down, as if sizing them up. It communicates judgment, disapproval, or sexual objectification. Especially insulting when done slowly or with a dismissive expression.
Intimidating your daughters new boyfriend
Classic foe signal deployment: elongated stare, aggressive stance, delayed greeting, invasion of personal space. The author notes fathers do this instinctively—useful for protective purposes, but recognize you’re activating someone’s threat response.
Eye Rolls
A powerful dismissal signal that communicates contempt. One of John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” predicting relationship failure. If you catch yourself doing this, you’re broadcasting “I think you’re beneath me.”
Squinting
Narrowing the eyes signals suspicion, disagreement, or displeasure. Even if unintentional (bright light, thinking hard), others read it as hostility. Be aware of your face in important conversations.
Furrowed Eyebrows
Drawing eyebrows together signals anger, confusion, or intense concentration. Can be misread as hostility even when you’re just thinking hard. Consciously relax your forehead in friendly interactions.
Facial Tension
Tight jaw, pressed lips, clenched facial muscles—all signal stress or aggression. Tension is contagious; your tight face makes others tense. Practice relaxing your face, especially before difficult conversations.
Aggressive Stance
Squared shoulders facing someone directly, hands on hips, chin up, feet wide apart. This is dominance posturing. It triggers defensive responses in others. Angle your body slightly and keep hands visible to reduce threat signals.
Scrunched Nose
The disgust micro-expression. Even brief nose scrunching signals “something smells bad here”—metaphorically, disapproval of what someone said or did. Very hard to hide and very easy to spot.
Feet Position
Feet are the most honest part of the body because people rarely consciously control them. Key signals:
- Feet pointing toward you - Interest and engagement. They want to be in this conversation.
- Feet pointing away - They want to leave, even if their torso and face are engaged.
- Feet pointing toward the door - They’re mentally already leaving.
- One foot toward you, one away - Ambivalence or partial attention.
In groups, watch whose feet point toward whom—it reveals actual attention regardless of who’s speaking.
Gauge depth of a relationship
You can test relationship depth by gradually increasing intimacy and watching responses:
- Personal space - Move slightly closer. Do they move back, hold, or move in?
- Touch escalation - Brief arm touch → longer touch → more personal area. Note reactions.
- Self-disclosure - Share something personal. Do they reciprocate at the same level?
- Favors - Ask for small favors, then slightly larger ones. Willingness indicates investment.
The key is incremental testing. Jump too fast and you’ll trigger discomfort. Move too slowly and interest may fade.
Golden rule of friendship - Make others feel good about themselves
The fundamental principle: people will like you if you make them feel good about themselves. This isn’t manipulation—it’s recognizing that everyone has a deep need to feel valued. Satisfy that need authentically.
Empathic Statements
Statements that reflect the other person’s emotional state back to them: “You seem really excited about this” or “That sounds frustrating.” They signal understanding without judgment. People feel heard and validated, which builds trust.
Compliments vs Flattery
Compliments are sincere and specific: “Your presentation was clear—I finally understand that concept.” Flattery is insincere and generic: “You’re amazing!” People detect the difference. Flattery backfires; genuine compliments build connection.
Third party compliments
Complimenting someone to a third party, knowing it will get back to them. “Did you know Sarah stayed late three nights to finish that project?” More credible than direct compliments because you had no reason to say it except that you meant it.
Third party compliments and positioning.
Strategic use: position yourself where the subject will “accidentally” overhear you complimenting them to someone else. The overheard compliment feels more authentic than a direct one—you weren’t performing for them.
Favors
Counterintuitively, asking someone for a small favor increases their liking of you (Ben Franklin effect). By doing you a favor, they subconsciously justify it by deciding they must like you. Also: do unexpected small favors for others without expecting return.