How to build rapport and set people at ease
The Like Switch, written by an ex-FBI agent, goes into detail on how to make friends and influence people in a much more modern form. It covers the friendship formula (proximity, frequency, duration, intensity), the nonverbal friend and foe signals we broadcast constantly, and the golden rule of friendship: make others feel good about themselves. These are my notes on the book.
AI-augmented, roughly 80% AI (what this means)
I love AI, and I use it on posts like this one partly to get better at using it. The percent is a rough guess: after rounds of prompting, rewriting and editing, it's very hard to say which words came from whom.
- The friendship formula
- Friend signals
- Foe signals
- Feet position
- Gauge depth of a relationship
- Golden rule of friendship: make others feel good about themselves
The friendship formula
Friendship = Proximity + Frequency + Duration + Intensity. It builds over time:
- Proximity: being physically near someone regularly. Familiarity breeds comfort.
- Frequency: how often you interact. Many short encounters beat a few long ones.
- Duration: time per interaction. It grows naturally as the relationship does.
- Intensity: how well you meet the other person’s needs to feel valued and understood. This is the accelerator; it can make up for low proximity or frequency.
That’s why coworkers become friends and neighbors wave, and why focusing on intensity fast-tracks a relationship.
Friend signals
Signals that say “I’m not a threat, I like you”:
- Eyebrow flash: a quick raise of the eyebrows, about 1/6th of a second. We do it unconsciously when we see someone we like; do it on purpose when approaching a stranger.
- Head tilt: exposing the neck signals trust. People who tilt their head read as more attractive, trustworthy and friendly, especially with a smile.
- Smile: real (Duchenne) smiles reach the eyes and make crow’s feet; fake ones are mouth-only, and people can tell.
- Touching: a light, brief touch on the arm or shoulder builds connection. Keep it short and appropriate to context.
- Mirroring: people who like each other match posture, gestures and speech. You can do it on purpose, but keep it subtle; obvious mimicry is creepy.
- Whispering: leaning in and lowering your voice says “this is just for you.”
- Food forking: eating off each other’s plates signals trust and closeness; it’s why shared appetizers work on dates.
- Head nodding: encourages the speaker to keep going. Triple nods are especially effective.
- Verbal nudges: “I see,” “Go on,” “Really?” keep people talking without interrupting. Pair them with nods.
- Focused attention: phone away, eye contact, body turned toward them. Full attention is rare, so it lands.
More tips for fun and profit
- Make a mistake to make folks more comfortable
- Light touch
- Girls: wear something in your hair
- Introduce yourself by name
- Give something
- Even a smiley face on your receipt
- Give mints
- Repeat the customer’s order
- Provide good service
- Apply
Foe signals
The opposite of friend signals: they communicate hostility, dominance or dismissal. Spot them in others and don’t send them by accident.
- Elongated stare: holding eye contact past a comfortable 1–2 seconds reads as a challenge. Break eye contact to de-escalate.
- Elevator eyes: scanning someone up and down signals judgment or objectification.
- Eye roll: contempt (one of John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” of relationship failure).
- Squinting: reads as suspicion or displeasure, even when it’s just bright light.
- Furrowed eyebrows: reads as anger even when you’re just thinking hard. Relax your forehead.
- Facial tension: tight jaw, pressed lips. Tension is contagious.
- Aggressive stance: squared shoulders, hands on hips, chin up, feet wide. Angle your body and keep your hands visible instead.
- Scrunched nose: the disgust micro-expression; brief, hard to hide, easy to spot.
Intimidating your daughter’s new boyfriend
The classic deliberate use of foe signals: elongated stare, aggressive stance, delayed greeting, crowding his space. Useful when you mean it, but know you’re triggering his threat response.
Feet position
Feet are the most honest part of the body because people rarely control them:
- Toward you: interested and engaged.
- Away from you: they want to leave, even if face and torso are engaged.
- Toward the door: they’ve mentally left.
- One toward, one away: ambivalent or half-attending.
In a group, whose feet point at whom shows where the attention really is, regardless of who’s talking.
Gauge depth of a relationship
Increase intimacy a little at a time and watch the response:
- Personal space: move slightly closer. Do they back off, hold, or lean in?
- Touch: a brief touch, then a slightly longer one.
- Self-disclosure: share something personal. Do they match it?
- Favors: small, then slightly larger. Willingness signals investment.
Go too fast and you trigger discomfort; too slow and interest fades.
Golden rule of friendship: make others feel good about themselves
People like you when you make them feel good about themselves. It isn’t manipulation if it’s sincere; everyone needs to feel valued.
- Empathic statements: reflect their emotional state back: “You seem really excited about this,” “That sounds frustrating.” They feel heard without being judged.
- Compliments, not flattery: a compliment is sincere and specific (“Your presentation was clear; I finally get that concept”). Flattery is generic (“You’re amazing!”) and backfires.
- Third-party compliments: praise someone to a person who will pass it on (“Did you know Sarah stayed late three nights to finish that?”). Better still, let them “accidentally” overhear it. It’s more credible because you weren’t performing for them.
- Favors: asking for a small favor makes people like you more (the Ben Franklin effect), because they justify the favor by deciding they like you. Also do small unexpected favors for others.