Double Trouble: From Lust to Love to Lost
book-notesThere are two types of couples in the world. Those who fight, and those you don’t know.
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Act With Love
Not in a great relationship. There are a few choices
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- Divorce - Sounds good, but excellent chance you’ll end up in the same spot in your next relationship.
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- Stay - Two Choices
- 2.a Stay and suffer in silence.
- 2.b Try to make it better. Two Outcomes
- 2.b.1 - Your partner reciprocates, your relationship improves.
- 2.b.2 - Your partner doesn’t, you get a divorce, but now you’ll have many more useful skills.
- Stay - Two Choices
Drain - What’s killing your relationship
The things that are killing your relationship:
- D - Distance, being apart, physically and emotionally.
- R - Reactivity. Really, being triggered.
- A - Avoidance. Trying not to think about it, often through escape.
- I - Inside your head. Really ruminating on what is wrong, what was wasted, etc.
- N - Not living your values. N.1) Being a doormat/Being in a Lose/Win. N.2) Not being the partner you know you can be.
Being Assertive
Assertion vs Aggression
Declining Requests and setting boundaries
The two problems:
- Those who struggle to decline requests
- Those who struggle to decline requests while being fair and considerate.
- See essentialim for lots of ways to say no kindly.
Regardless, you need to have boundaries
| Boundary Type | What to Say |
|---|---|
| Time | “I’m happy to keep watching this show for another half hour, but then I’m going to bed.” |
| Space | “Please leave me alone; I have to get this task completed for work.” |
| Social | “I can’t go to the movies with you on Saturday. I’ve arranged to go out with my friends.” |
| Physical | “Please don’t touch me like that. I don’t like it.” |
| Conversational | “I’d prefer not to talk about this right now. I’m tired, and I just want to chill. Can we talk about this tomorrow, after dinner?” |
| Mental | “Clearly, we have very different opinions about this. And your opinion is valid, but please don’t try to force it on me. Let’s agree to differ.” |
Advanced Assertions Skills
Advanced Skills
| Skill | Description | Example |
|---|---|---|
| Empathic Assertion | Acknowledges the other person’s feelings before making or declining a request. | “I realize this must be disappointing for you. However, I’m going to say no because I just can’t find time right now.” “I totally get that you don’t like this way of doing things. And I’d appreciate it if you’d work with me on this, even though you have reservations.” |
| Fogging | A way to respond to harsh criticism by finding a small grain of truth without arguing or getting defensive. | “Yes, there are times when I don’t follow through.” “Yes, I was late on this occasion, and I can see how frustrating that is for you.” |
| Broken Record | Calmly repeating an assertive statement until the other person takes notice, without escalating the conflict. | “I don’t want a drink. I want to go home.” “No thanks. It’s late, and I’d like to go home.” |
| Combination Approach | Mixing empathy, fogging, and the broken record technique to handle repeated pushback. | “I get that you intend these comments as jokes - however, I don’t experience them as funny, I find them hurtful.” “Yes, there are times when I don’t have much of a sense of humor, it’s true. But I find those comments hurtful.” |
| Discrepancy Assertion | Pointing out a gap between an agreement and reality, then making an assertive request. | “We agreed you’d be home by 6pm, but you’ve been arriving after 7pm. Can we discuss this?” “We agreed that you’d take care of the dishes, but for the past few days, they’ve been left in the sink. Can we find a way to stick to our agreement?” |
| Consequence Assertion | A last-resort approach where consequences are clearly stated if the other person continues their behavior. | “If you continue doing this, then I’ll have to issue a formal warning.” “I’ve asked you multiple times to stop ABC. If it happens again, I will have to take XYZ action.” |
Examples
| Partner … | You Respond (Skill Used) |
|---|---|
| Expresses frustration with your approach. | “I totally get that you don’t like this way of doing things. And I’d appreciate it if you’d work with me on this, even though you have reservations.” (Empathic Assertion) |
| Calls you lazy and says you never follow through. | “Yes, there are times when I don’t follow through.” (Fogging) |
| Criticizes you for always being late. | “Yes, I was late on this occasion, and I can see how frustrating that is for you.” (Fogging) |
| Pressures you to have another drink. | “No thanks, no more drinks for me. I’d like to go home.” (Broken Record) |
| Insists again that you have another drink. | “No thanks. It’s late, and I’d like to go home.” (Broken Record) |
| Makes a joke that you find hurtful. | “I get that you intend these comments as jokes - however, I don’t experience them as funny, I find them hurtful.” (Combination Approach: Empathy + Fogging) |
| Accuses you of not having a sense of humor. | “Yes, there are times when I don’t have much of a sense of humor, it’s true. But I find those comments hurtful.” (Combination Approach: Fogging + Broken Record) |
| Doesn’t follow through on an agreement. | “We agreed you’d be home by 6pm, but you’ve been arriving late. Can we discuss what’s been holding you up and come up with a plan?” (Discrepancy Assertion) |
| Fails to complete an agreed-upon chore. | “We agreed that you’d take care of the dishes, but they’re still in the sink. Can we find a way to stick to our agreement?” (Discrepancy Assertion) |
| Repeatedly does something you’ve asked them to stop. | “If you continue doing this, then I’ll have to issue a formal warning.” (Consequence Assertion) |
| Ignores multiple requests to change behavior. | “I’ve asked you multiple times to stop ABC. If it happens again, I will have to take XYZ action.” (Consequence Assertion) |
Transitions
A common challenge in relationships is when a woman goes back to work when the kids are grown up.
Love is a Verb, Not a Noun
Love is not an emotion/noun; it’s a verb, a verb meaning act of service.
Love Languages
The way you want to be loved. Annoyingly, excellent chance your love language doesn’t match your partner’s. Even worse, you’ll be confused because you think you’re doing things that are worth a lot in your love language, but worthless in theirs. Ugh.
- H - Hugs! Physical Touch.
- E - Terms of Endearment. Saying I love you, leaving notes of affirmation of their importance.
- A - Acts of Service. Take out the recycling, do the dishes.
- R - Receiving Gifts. It’s not the size/price that matters; it’s the thought. Classics: flowers and chocolates.
- T - Quality Time together.
ps. (My love languages are physical touch and quality time.)