Double Trouble: From Lust to Love to Lost
book-notesThere are two types of couples in the world. Those who fight, and those you don’t know. Your life partnership is the most impactful relationship you have, are you investing sufficiently?
Act With Love
Bad relationship? Two choices
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- Divorce - Sounds good, but excellent chance you’ll end up in the same spot in your next relationship.
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- Stay - Two Choices
- 2.a Stay and suffer in silence.
- 2.b Try to make it better. Two Outcomes
- 2.b.1 - Your partner reciprocates, your relationship improves.
- 2.b.2 - Your partner doesn’t, you get a divorce, but now you’ll have many more useful skills.
- Stay - Two Choices
Drain - What’s killing your relationship
The things that are killing your relationship:
- D - Distance, being apart, physically and emotionally.
- R - Reactivity. Really, being triggered.
- A - Avoidance. Trying not to think about it, often through escape.
- I - Inside your head. Really ruminating on what is wrong, what was wasted, etc.
- N - Not living your values.
- N.1) Being a doormat/Being in a Lose/Win.
- N.2) Not being the partner you know you can be.
Being Assertive
Harris’s picture: a puppy dog only cares about you, a shark only cares about itself. I’ve got both in me. Assertiveness is the third option, Win/Win: standing up for my needs in a way that’s fair and considerate to both of us. Lose/Win and Win/Lose both drain the relationship until it’s Lose/Lose. It comes down to two skills: asking for what I want, and saying no to what I don’t.
Assertion vs Aggression
- Passive (puppy dog), Covey’s Lose/Win: my needs go behind my partner’s, at a real cost to me. It pays off short term: I dodge conflict and rejection, and it can even feel like I’m living my values of being caring. Long term it ends in burnout and resentment. This is the doormat in DRAIN’s “N”. The way out is values like self-respect and self-care, plus remembering I have rights.
- Aggressive (shark), Covey’s Win/Lose: I get my way and ignore my partner’s feelings and rights. Every attack and defend tactic is aggressive, and a lot of detour and withdraw (the sulk, the “sure” I never follow through on) is passive-aggressive. The way out is values like caring and fairness, plus remembering my partner has rights.
The line between the two is a bill of rights. I have the right to be treated fairly and considerately, to make my needs as important as theirs, to make mistakes, to feel what I feel, and to ask for what I want, decline requests and state my opinions, provided I do so in a way that is fair and considerate. That last clause is the whole difference. Stand up for a right unfairly and it’s aggression. And my partner has every right on the list too.
Before you say anything
The words are the “frosting on the cake.” Get these in place first, or the best-phrased request lands badly:
- Unhook from the “should” stories. “I shouldn’t have to ask.” “They only listen when I get angry.” These may even be true. Harris’s question is whether holding them tightly makes the relationship better or worse. Notice them, name them, let them pass.
- Be present, drop anchor, connect with values. Make room for the feelings that show up, then remember I want this relationship to thrive.
- Face, voice, posture. Folded arms, a pointed finger or a scornful tone cancel the words. Lower the voice, soften the face, look at them.
- When I can: pick a good time and place, and first aim to understand them before asking to be understood.
My own fear blocks assertiveness too: “my needs don’t matter”, “if I ask, they’ll resent me.” That’s normal. Notice and name it, make room for the anxiety, be kind to myself, then ask the willingness question: in the service of building the relationship I want, am I willing to make room for these difficult thoughts and feelings?
How to ask: the three-part request
A ladder. Most of the time the bottom rung is enough; climb only when I’m not being heard.
- Ask nicely. “Would you mind…”, “Is it OK with you if…”. For something they resist, lead with appreciation and use “I’d really appreciate it if…”.
- “I” statements. “I feel frustrated when my wishes aren’t taken into account” instead of “You never listen to me.” I own the feeling instead of blaming them for it. Watch for sneaky ones: “I feel like you’re being lazy” is a “you” statement in disguise.
- Video description. Describe what a camera would record, not my judgment of it. No “you are X”, no “always” or “never”. Those just start an argument about my words instead of the issue.
- The three-part statement: I feel X when you do Y, and I’d appreciate it if you could do Z. Z has to be specific too: what does “tidy up” look like on video?
| “You” + judgment | “I” + judgment | “I” + video description (the one that works) |
|---|---|---|
| “You’re always nagging me.” | “I feel irritated when you keep nagging me.” | “I feel irritated when you ask me to do something four or five times in a short space of time.” |
| “You’re so lazy.” | “I feel annoyed when you’re being lazy.” | “I feel annoyed when you say you’ll take the trash out later, and then you don’t.” |
Two caveats. This is influence, not control: it raises the odds they’ll change, it guarantees nothing. And when they do change, I need to keep noticing and thanking them (“catch them doing it right”) or the new behavior fades. If it slips anyway, I ask again and open with appreciation for when they did it.
Declining Requests and setting boundaries
Two failure modes: those who can’t say no, especially to a pushy request or a guilt trip, and those who say no easily but forcefully. Declining is a right, so:
- Be direct, firm and honest, and still fair. No apology needed. A reason is optional, but it often helps.
- Not sure what’s being asked? Ask what, when, where, with whom and for how long.
- Need time? Say so: “Let me think about it.” If postponing a conversation, name a specific time; a vague “later” never happens.
- Offer an alternative that might meet their need.
- See essentialism for lots of ways to say no kindly.
Boundaries are limits on my time, energy, body, and how I let others treat me. Setting one usually takes both skills: asking and declining.
| Boundary Type | What to Say |
|---|---|
| Time | “I’m happy to keep watching this show for another half hour, but then I’m going to bed.” |
| Space | “Please leave me alone; I have to get this task completed for work.” |
| Social | “I can’t go to the movies with you on Saturday. I’ve arranged to go out with my friends.” |
| Physical | “Please don’t touch me like that. I don’t like it.” |
| Conversational | “I’d prefer not to talk about this right now. I’m tired, and I just want to chill. Can we talk about this tomorrow, after dinner?” |
| Mental | “Clearly, we have very different opinions about this. And your opinion is valid, but please don’t try to force it on me. Let’s agree to differ.” |
Advanced Assertions Skills
Sometimes a good request gets attack, defend, detour or withdraw back: mockery, “you do it too”, a yes with no follow-through, walking out. The pull is to go shark or go puppy. Instead: drop anchor, then de-escalate with something like “I’m not trying to attack or blame you. I love you, and I want us to have a better relationship.” Then ramp up.
The book says there are six techniques for that pushback, but leaves them out of the book and puts them in its free “Extra Bits” download. My notes on the six:
| Skill | What it does |
|---|---|
| Empathic Assertion | Acknowledge their feelings before making or declining a request. |
| Fogging | Meet harsh criticism by agreeing with the small grain of truth, without arguing or getting defensive. |
| Broken Record | Calmly repeat the same assertive statement until it lands, without escalating. |
| Combination Approach | Mix empathy, fogging and broken record to handle repeated pushback. |
| Discrepancy Assertion | Point out the gap between what we agreed and what’s happening, then make an assertive request. |
| Consequence Assertion | Last resort: state clearly what I’ll do if the behavior continues. |
Examples
| Partner … | You Respond (Skill Used) |
|---|---|
| Asks for something you can’t do right now. | “I realize this must be disappointing for you. However, I’m going to say no because I just can’t find time right now.” (Empathic Assertion) |
| Expresses frustration with your approach. | “I totally get that you don’t like this way of doing things. And I’d appreciate it if you’d work with me on this, even though you have reservations.” (Empathic Assertion) |
| Calls you lazy and says you never follow through. | “Yes, there are times when I don’t follow through.” (Fogging) |
| Criticizes you for always being late. | “Yes, I was late on this occasion, and I can see how frustrating that is for you.” (Fogging) |
| Pressures you to have another drink. | “No thanks, no more drinks for me. I’d like to go home.” (Broken Record) |
| Insists again that you have another drink. | “No thanks. It’s late, and I’d like to go home.” (Broken Record) |
| Makes a joke that you find hurtful. | “I get that you intend these comments as jokes - however, I don’t experience them as funny, I find them hurtful.” (Combination: empathy first) |
| Accuses you of not having a sense of humor. | “Yes, there are times when I don’t have much of a sense of humor, it’s true. But I find those comments hurtful.” (Combination: fogging, then broken record) |
| Doesn’t follow through on an agreement. | “We agreed you’d be home by 6pm, but you’ve been arriving late. Can we discuss what’s been holding you up and come up with a plan?” (Discrepancy Assertion) |
| Fails to complete an agreed-upon chore. | “We agreed that you’d take care of the dishes, but they’re still in the sink. Can we find a way to stick to our agreement?” (Discrepancy Assertion) |
| Repeatedly does something you’ve asked them to stop. | “If you continue doing this, then I’ll have to issue a formal warning.” (Consequence Assertion) |
| Ignores multiple requests to change behavior. | “I’ve asked you multiple times to stop ABC. If it happens again, I will have to take XYZ action.” (Consequence Assertion) |
Love Languages
The way you want to be loved. Annoyingly, excellent chance your love language doesn’t match your partner’s. Even worse, you’ll be confused because you think you’re doing things that are worth a lot in your love language, but worthless in theirs. Ugh.
- H - Hugs! Physical Touch.
- E - Terms of Endearment. Saying I love you, leaving notes of affirmation of their importance.
- A - Acts of Service. Take out the recycling, do the dishes.
- R - Receiving Gifts. It’s not the size/price that matters; it’s the thought. Classics: flowers and chocolates.
- T - Quality Time together.
ps. (My love languages are physical touch and quality time.)
Random Topics
Transitions
A common challenge in relationships is when a woman goes back to work when the kids are grown up.
Kids: Are you doing the math right on shared interests?
Partners always bemoan growing apart and no longer having shared interests. “We used to love hiking together,” they say. “We both enjoyed cooking.” “We don’t have anything in common anymore.”
But they overlook the biggest shared interest of all.
Ask any parent what they care about most? Regardless of their stated preference, I assure their revealed preference is their children. Reminiscing over old photos, bragging to anyone who will listen, or most glorious of all getting to spend time with them when they’re engaging with you.
For more on stated vs revealed preferences, see the product management concepts.
Your kids become your biggest shared interest. Think about it - who else will value them as much as you do? Who else will celebrate their first steps, worry about their struggles, beam with pride at their achievements?
This bond deepens exponentially over time:
- As your children become more important to you both
- When grandchildren arrive and the cycle continues
- Through decades of shared experiences, memories, and stories
- As you witness each other’s parenting journey and growth
So yeah, dumb ass, you definitely share a very large shared interest
Love is a Verb, Not a Noun/Emotion
Love is not an emotion/noun; it’s a verb, a verb meaning act of service.
A conversation with Stephen Covey:
Man: “My wife and I just don’t have the same feelings for each other we used to have. I guess I just don’t love her anymore and she doesn’t love me. What can I do?”
Covey: “The feeling isn’t there anymore?”
Man: “That’s right. And we have three children we’re really concerned about. What do you suggest?”
Covey: “Love her.”
Man: “I told you, the feeling just isn’t there anymore.”
Covey: “Love her.”
Man: “You don’t understand. The feeling of love just isn’t there.”
Covey: “Then love her. If the feeling isn’t there, that’s a good reason to love her.”
Man: “But how do you love when you don’t love?”
Covey: “My friend, love is a verb. Love - the feeling - is a fruit of love, the verb. So love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?”
Love is the fruit of the plant of service.