Language, often unknown to us, creates our mental models, our reality, and defines our meaning. But the model is not the terrain, and by engaging with the language we can change mental models. Sleight of mouth (SoM) is a series of techniques for changing our models, reality and meanings and thus our experiences. Our mental models are a frame, and we need help going from a ‘problem frame’ to a ‘desired outcome frame’ , a ‘failure frame’, to a ‘feedback frame’ and an ‘impossible frame ‘ to an ‘as if’ frame. To experience the power of language, find anything that is invisible to you, and name it. Now as you’ve given it a name, see how perceive it, and become aware of it.
The techniques encourage us to:
- ‘re punctuate’ and ‘rechunk our perceptions
- Identify and appreciate different perspectives and alternative models of the world
- Discover the internal process by which we assess ‘reality’, and through which we form and update our beliefs
- Explore how we build the mental maps by which we form expectations, determine cause, and give meaning to our experiences.
- Recognize the influence of our internal states on our beliefs and attitudes
- Pace the natural process of belief change
- Understand the impact of language and beliefs on different levels of our experience
- Become more aware of potential verbal ‘thought viruses’ and unspoken assumptions and presuppositions
At the core, you have a limiting belief which is of the form: ‘limiting belief’ because/means/causes ‘outcome’
Examples:
| Subject (Noun) | Judgment | (because/means/causes/reason) Reason |
|---|---|---|
| My Boss | ignores me | because he is going to fire more |
| A speeding ticket | causes | me to get poor because my insurance will be too expensive |
| My | back has hurt forever | so I’ll never be able to get better |
From there you apply a series of questions/concepts (Page 318):
- Intent - What is the positive purpose/intention of this belief?
- Redefine - What is another way to say this that’s more positive?
- Consequence - What is a positive effect of this belief?
- Chunk down - Apply the belief to a more specific situation.
- Chunk up - Apply to belief to a more abstract/generic situation.
- Analogy - Give a related metaphor that’s more positive
- Change Frame Size - Change the time frame, or apply to more or less changing implication or being more positive.
- Better outcome - What would be a better outcome
- Look through a different world view - What different model of the world would you need for this to be positive?
- Reality Strategy - How would you need to perceive the world for this belief to be true.
- Counter Example - Find an exception to the rule
- Hierarchy of Criteria - What criteria is more important then the one you are considering.
- Apply to Self - ??
- Meta frame - What other belief about this belief could change or enrich the perception of this belief?
1: Language -> Experiences
Words matter - as simple as ‘and’, ‘but’ or ‘even though’
A and B stresses B. If A is the positive use the even though pattern.
- A and B: It’s sunny today AND raining tomorrow
- Equal weight A and B
- A but B: It’s sunny today BUT raining tomorrow
- B is emphasized.
- A even though B: It’s sunny today even though it’s raining tomorrow.
- A is emphasized.
2: Frames -> Reframes
Frame is how we experience the world. Think about picture frames, it bounds how you perceive (and thus experience and react to reality)
Outcome frame instead of Problem frame:
Not I have a problem, but I want this outcome. Outcome from more powerful and action oriented that is.
-
Outcome frame
- What do I want?
- How do I get it?
- What resources are available?
-
Problem Frame:
- What is wrong?
- Why is that a problem?
- What caused it?
- Whose fault is it?
Change frame size
Changing the size of your perspective. Will it be a problem in a week, month, year?
Context Reframing
Think of a different context when something will be helpful? Having someone who’s very anal retentive, is super helpful when you need everything arranged in its place.
Content Reframing
Instead of looking at someone’s behaviors, look at their positive intent. The underlying intent is usually good, it’s the behavioral manifestation that’s tricky.
Reframe Critics and Criticism
Three types of roles - critics, dreamers, realists. Critics normally assert statements as generalized judgment - this won’t work. The challenge here is that puts the listener into a polarized position - either answering yes or no.
Notice the intent is good, the intent is to evaluate and help the dreamer and realist.
Positive Statements of Positive intentions
Criticism often said in the negative form “avoiding stress” instead of “feeling relaxed and comfortable”. Switch from saying what you don’t want, to what you do want.
To say this properly do the following exercise:
If I don’t want X, what is it I do want? Say that instead.
It is…. -> I want to make sure … Too expensive -> It to be affordable. Fear of failure -> Desire to succeed Unrealistic -> Concrete and achievable. Too much effort -> Easy and achievable
Next, change criticism to How will you .. It is too expensive -> How will you ensure it’s affordable?
Helping critics become advisors.
Ask 3 questions, especially when you’re the critic:
- What is your criticism or objection?
- What do you want to achieve via your criticism (the thing that’s desired, not the thing that’s bad).
- What “How question” can be asked about how it will be achieved.
Notice how questions shift the critic from a “spoiler” into an advisor.
Pro Tip, before going into what needs to be achieved, call out the things that are good.
Pattern: Intention and Redefining
Problem -> Outcome Failure -> Feedback Critics -> Advisors
Fundamental Reframes: Intention: Direct attention to persons intent (desired outcome) Redefining:Change words that are similar, but slightly different, usually more positive.
When we convert the problem to the intention - we get back to the outcome frame and open a conversation.
Customer says: I’m afraid that’s too expensive. Sales Guy Thinks: Need to understand the intention, take a few stabs at it Sales Guy: Is it you think the item is overpriced, or are you concerned you can’t afford it?
Subtle meaning differences: Overpriced -> Unable to afford -> Expensive For Value
How much pain are you in vs. How much discomfort do you feel?
2.1 One word reframes:
Take a word/statement and make it more positive and more negative.
Statements: It doesn’t piss me off ; I’m OK with it ; I’m accepting it I made a mistake; you twisted my words; he’s a damn liar.
Words: Responsible, Stable, Rigid Stable, Comfortable, Boring Fiscally responsible, Frugal, stingy Friendly, Nice, Naive Big Imagination -> Telling Fairy Tales -> Lying
One word reframing exercise
Perceive from different model of world, by taking a second position
Models of the world - Seek first to understand. Three perspectives
- My frame/model
- Other persons frame/model
- Objective observers model.
3: Chunking
Changing the specificity of a thought,
- Down -> More Specific
- Up -> More abstract
- Lateral -> Analogy
Chunking Down
I’m Ugly;
- I -> Nostril, arm, legs?
- Ugly -> to mom? to self? to Indian women?
Learning Disabled? Learning -> Inputting, Storing, Reproducing
Failure -> Goal Setting, Planning, Execution
Chunking Up
- By going up, we see if it’s as bad and, if we can find something better to chunk down to.
Analogy (chunk Laterally)
- By finding an analogy, we compare to the new analogy, to better understand the current statement.
Finding ISO Morphisims
- 3 folks A,B,C
- A tells B, C a problem where they want help
- B and C try to find the critical elements
- B and C come up with a metaphor for the critical element and B tells A.
- Sample metaphors: Fantasy, Sports, War, Folks Tales, star trek.
Punctuation and Punctuation
- Framing is the punctuation of objective reality into our subjective reality.
- See great examples from book that,that,is - with comma’s periods and question marks
4: Values and Criteria
Structure of meaning
Story of castle under siege, in defiance, the folks in the castle starving catapult all their food out. People seiging, already demoralized since out of supplies interpret food as a taunt that they can last forever and go home.
Values and motivation
Values - the reasons you get out of bed. Filter over which you see objective reality. People who value fun, ask how much fun is in something. Also, goals usually indicate values. Goal is build product, probably value creating new things.
Criteria and Judgment
Value -> what we desire and want Criteria -> standard/evidence we use to make decisions.
Chaining value and Criteria by
Criteria Equivalence
Chunking Down to Define
Reality Strategies
Reality Strategy Exercise
Chunk up to identify and utilize
Hierarchy of value and criteria
Hierarchy of criteria technique
5: Belief and Expectations
6: Basic Structure of Beliefs
7: Internal States and Natural Belief change
8: Thought Viruses and meta structure of belief
9: Applying the patterns as a system.
- Using multiple avenues to attack the problem.
- Examples of using the tools against beliefs.
- Also example of creating a positive “though virus”
Bonus Levels of experience
Our experiences filter through these layers.
- Environment
- Behavior
- Capability
- Beliefs and Values
- Identity
However we blame stuff in the inverse triangle
This is the fundamental attribution error. For ourselves we attribute fault to our environment, but to others we attribute to their identity.
Question - what is identity vs our beliefs and values (good Q for Dr. Raph).
Resources
Discussion of SoM techniques.