It’s 8am; The normal rush, the kids are late to school, we’re yelling at them to eat their breakfast, pack their lunch, brush their teeth, get ready for school. 30 minutes earlier, I’d decided I’d bike Amelia, my 7 year old daughter, to school. I told Tori, my wife, who normally drives the kids to school. Tori didn’t acknowledge me. As I got my bike helmet Tori put the kids in the car. I ran out and tried to get her attention, waving frantically and running the car. (In my head), Tori ignored me, wouldn’t look at me, even as I ran to the car and gesticulated wildly. I really had my heart set on biking Amelia to school, and I went into a rage, as Tori pulled off, I flipped her off. Adulting fail - not my best moment.
All morning I couldn’t focus. My mind kept coming back to how Tori could ignore me, how could she not have seen me? Why did she ignore me - screw her. Again, adulting fail.
Anger is the enemy. It is an intoxicant, it causes poor judgement and makes everything worse. Don’t believe me, go in your mind and find a time you were angry, think about how it made your decisions better - came up with nothing, huh.
- Your enemies trick - control
- The anger dial frustration and rage
- The components of Anger
- The Antidotes
Your enemies trick - control
When animals are in pain for prolonged periods of time, they have two responses, learned helpness (aka depression) or anger. Anger gives the impression of control, and makes you feel like you’re taking action on the pain.
But you’re not in control, you’re losing perspective and making bad decisions. Even after your anger passes you have a “hang over” where for a period of time your mind just keeps coming back to your anger and indignation. A huge detrement to your pursuit of happiness.
The anger dial frustration and rage
Anger has an intensity dial, at the low end, it manifests as frustration, and at the high end it manifests as rage.
The components of Anger
There are two parts to anger, first, a mental pain, but also, a feeling trapped, like you can’t escape, and this will happen forever.
The Antidotes
To Pain
Pain isn’t the enemy, it’s a signal. See more details at mental pain to see if the pain is valid.
Pain is in the brain as they say, which is especially true for mental pains. The pain system, when working properly brings our perspective to a problem so that we can deal with it. However, pain can also be phantom pain, meaning it is being applied when it should not be, or chronic pain, which flares up even though it is no longer providing value.
To Frustration
Tolerance - be willing to accept the state for a period of time. Exercises for tolerance: Look for the pain you want to eliminate, and decide how large a difference there will be if it’s not resolved for a few hours, for a few days, for a few months. Seeing that lets you make the implicit explicit, and lets you address the emotions with your
To Anger
Compassion - accept the present and past (as you can’t change it) and have hope, and conviction that things will improve.