Pain is in the brain as they say, which is especially true for mental pains. Pain isn’t the enemy though, pain is a signal. The pain system, when working properly draws our attention to a problem so that we can deal with it. However, our pain can evolve into unecassary suffering, be phantom pain, meaning it is being applied when it should not be, or chronic pain, which flares up even though it is no longer providing value.
- Pain is not the enemy
- Suffering is the “meaning” we attribute to pain
- Misery: The meaning we apply to suffering
- The positive analogs of pain: Pleasure, Satisfaction, Hubris
- Physical Pain, Injury, Recovery
- Misc topics
- For more info
Pain is not the enemy
Pain is not the enemy - it’s a sophisticated alarm system designed to protect us and drive action. Just like physical pain alerts us to injury and prevents further damage, mental pain serves as an early warning system for our psychological and social wellbeing.
Pain is protective
Pain exists because it keeps us alive. Our ancestors who couldn’t feel the pain of social rejection died alone. Those who couldn’t feel anxiety about real threats became prey. Those who couldn’t feel guilt destroyed the cooperative relationships they depended on for survival.
Pain is inherently unpleasant by design - if it felt good, we’d ignore it. Imagine if your car’s warning lights played soothing music instead of flashing urgent colors. The unpleasantness isn’t a bug, it’s a feature that forces our attention away from whatever we’re doing and onto what needs immediate care.
How pain protects us
Mental pain typically signals one of three core issues:
- Something needs our attention (anxiety about an upcoming deadline)
- Something needs to change (dissatisfaction with a relationship or situation)
- Something needs to be processed (grief, disappointment, or loss)
The pain system works brilliantly when it’s functioning properly. It:
- Focuses our attention like a spotlight on what matters most
- Motivates immediate action to address problems before they worsen
- Protects us from repeating harmful patterns
- Builds resilience through experience and growth
- Creates urgency proportional to the threat level
Real-World Examples
Anxiety before a presentation → Forces you to prepare thoroughly Guilt after breaking a promise → Drives you to make amends and rebuild trust Loneliness after moving → Pushes you to build new social connections Disappointment after failure → Compels you to analyze and improve your approach
When Pain Systems Fail
Consider people born with congenital insensitivity to pain - they frequently injure themselves severely because they can’t feel warnings. Most don’t survive childhood. Similarly, people who can’t feel social pain (sociopaths) often end up isolated or imprisoned because they can’t navigate relationships.
Just like a car’s warning system can malfunction, our mental pain systems can be under-active, over-active, or well-calibrated.
Under-active pain is dangerous - like a broken smoke detector:
- No guilt when harming others (sociopathy)
- No anxiety about real threats (poor judgment)
- No disappointment when failing (no learning)
Over-active pain is exhausting - like a car alarm that won’t stop:
- Phantom anxiety when there’s no actual threat (panic attacks)
- Phantom guilt when you’ve done nothing wrong
- Phantom disappointment that spirals into depression
Well-calibrated pain serves its purpose perfectly:
- Anxiety before a job interview → signals you to prepare
- Guilt after hurting someone → signals you to make amends
- Disappointment after a failure → signals you to reassess your approach
The key question: Is this pain pointing to something that actually needs my attention right now, or is it just noise from a faulty alarm system?
Real pain has a clear message and suggests concrete action. Phantom pain is vague, repetitive, and offers no constructive path forward.
The trouble comes when pain becomes
- chronic (continuing long after its protective purpose is served) or * phantom (firing when there’s no actual threat). This is when pain transforms from a helpful signal into unnecessary suffering.
The Paradox of Pain
The goal isn’t to eliminate pain entirely - that would be like removing smoke detectors from your house. A life without pain would be a life without protection, growth, or meaningful connection. The goal is to:
- Listen to the signal - What is this pain trying to tell me?
- Take appropriate action - Address the underlying issue
- Let the pain resolve naturally - Once you’ve responded, the alarm can turn off
Pain that persists after you’ve addressed its message may be phantom pain that needs different treatment. But pain that you’re ignoring while the problem remains will only intensify until you pay attention.
All Pain, No Gain
Here’s the cruelest irony: through procrastination and resistance, you can experience all the pain and suffering of a situation while making zero progress toward resolving it.
Pain is often a signal to drive action - study for the interview, complete the performance review, have the difficult conversation. Once you take action and make progress, the pain (and suffering) naturally diminishes.
But when you avoid taking action, you get the worst of both worlds:
- All the mental anguish of knowing you need to do something
- None of the relief that comes from actually doing it
- Bonus guilt and self-disappointment for procrastinating
Why does this happen? The Resistance!
The more you avoid progress, the more pain and suffering compound. Then guilt and self-disappointment pile on top. Getting things done is often the fastest path to pain relief:
Key strategies for breaking the cycle:
My post on breaking the cycle:
But here’s a short version:
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Allocate concrete time and goals - “Best efforts” won’t happen. Schedule specific blocks.
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Give yourself large blocks of time - Don’t expect to solve painful problems in 30 minutes. If it was easy, it wouldn’t be painful. Give yourself 2+ hour blocks to get into the groove.
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Don’t take a step forward and a step backward - Like dieting for half a day then binging the other half. Either commit to the day or don’t. If you study, write down your notes. “Just thinking about it” without completion is pure waste.
Amazingly, and regardless of how often you experience the, resistance prevents you from remebering it –
Once you take action, you transform pointless suffering into purposeful pain that actually leads somewhere.
Pain is a good thing when it’s working properly. Suffering is often the problem we need to solve.
Suffering is the “meaning” we attribute to pain
Humans need meaning. Our brains will either discover or manufacture a meaning for everything we experience. Suffering is the meaning we give to pain - the story we tell ourselves about what the pain means.
The Same Pain, Different Suffering
Consider two pregnant women going into labor with identical physical pain:
- Woman A: 9 months pregnant, due date arrived → Her pain means “I’m about to meet my baby”
- Woman B: 5 months pregnant, premature labor → Her pain means “I might lose my child”
Same pain, radically different suffering. The meaning transforms the experience entirely.
Another example: Two men accidentally hit their thumb with a hammer:
- The carpenter: “Professional hazard, need to be more careful” → Minor suffering
- The violinist: Day before his big audition → “My career might be over” → Devastating suffering
The Meaning-Making Machine
Your brain automatically assigns meaning to pain. You can’t stop this process, but you can examine and question the meanings you’re creating:
Automatic meanings that amplify suffering:
- “This pain means I’m weak”
- “This pain means I’m broken”
- “This pain means things will never get better”
- “This pain means I’m being punished”
- “This pain means I can’t handle life”
More accurate meanings that reduce suffering:
- “This pain means I need to pay attention to something”
- “This pain means I’m human and experiencing life fully”
- “This pain means I care about something important”
- “This pain means I’m being guided toward necessary change”
The Attachment Trap
Suffering often comes from attachment - our desperate grip on how things “should” be:
Attachment to the past: “This shouldn’t have happened” → Resentment, bitterness Attachment to the present: “This pain shouldn’t exist right now” → Resistance, amplified suffering Attachment to the future: “My life is ruined forever” → Despair, hopelessness
The antidotes:
- Forgiveness releases attachment to a different past
- Acceptance releases attachment to a different present
- Hope releases attachment to a specific future
You Can’t Control Pain, But You Can Influence Suffering
Pain happens TO you. Illness, loss, failure, rejection - these create genuine pain signals.
Suffering happens IN you. The stories you tell yourself about what the pain means - that’s where your power lies.
Misery: The meaning we apply to suffering
The human brain doesn’t stop at creating one layer of meaning. We can add meaning to our suffering - essentially creating suffering about our suffering. This is where unnecessary misery lives.
Meaning: From Pain to Suffering
First layer: Pain → Suffering (unavoidable)
- Pain: “My relationship ended”
- Suffering: “I’ve lost someone important to me”
This first layer of meaning is natural and often helpful. It helps us process what happened and understand its significance.
Meaning squared: From Suffering to Misery
Second layer: Suffering → Misery (optional and destructive)
- Suffering: “I’ve lost someone important to me”
- Misery: “This proves I’m unlovable” or “Life is unfair to me”
This second layer is always optional and always unhelpful. It’s a self-centered meaning that makes everything worse.
Some flavors of misery
Victim Misery: “There’s nothing I can do”
- “I’m completely helpless”
- “I have zero control over my situation”
- “Nothing I do matters”
The victim fallacy You always have some influence, even if tiny. You can influence how you think about it, how you breathe through it, how you show up to it. The influence might be small, but it’s never zero.
Unfairness Misery: “Life is unfair to me”
- “I don’t deserve this”
- “Others have it so much easier”
- “The universe is against me”
The faireness fallacy Life never promised you fairness. Fairness is a human concept that doesn’t apply to natural processes. Rain doesn’t “unfairly” ruin your picnic - it’s just rain.
When folks spiral into a black hole of misery it can be very challenging to escape
Battling Misery
Watch for these thought patterns:
- “Why me?” (victim mentality)
- “It’s not fair” (fairness illusion)
- “I can’t handle this” (helplessness)
- “This is too much” (overwhelm stories)
- “I’m the only one who…” (specialness/isolation)
Replace with reality-based thoughts:
- “This is painful AND I can handle it”
- “Life includes difficult experiences for everyone”
- “I have some influence over how I respond”
- “This is temporary, even if it doesn’t feel like it”
- “I can learn something valuable from this”
The Liberation
Pain: You don’t choose this - it happens Suffering: You can’t avoid the first layer of meaning Misery: You can absolutely avoid this second layer
By refusing to add that second layer of victim or unfairness meaning, you experience the natural pain and suffering without making it worse. This is the difference between clean pain and dirty pain.
Clean pain: “I’m experiencing loss and it hurts” Dirty pain: “I’m experiencing loss and it hurts AND this means I’m doomed AND life is unfair AND I can’t handle anything”
The first part is unavoidable. The second part is optional fuel you’re adding to your own fire.
The positive analogs of pain: Pleasure, Satisfaction, Hubris
Pain to pleasure - Pleasure, often of consumption, a sweet treat. But meaningless. Satisfaction - More meaningful than pleasure, often from accomplishment or connection.
Misery to Hubris
Physical Pain, Injury, Recovery
Perhaps back pain as an analog.
Just like your back carries a physical load, so too does your “psyche” carry an emotional load. And like your back, at any given time you have a maximum load.
Your strength/Load Bearing Ability:
Also like your back, there can be static structures that are mostly genetically rated - like the discs, there are also trainable structures, like your core muscles (or your analytic abilities) which you can train.
Initial injury:
- You exceed load-bearing ability of some structure (disc)
- Pain makes you focus, and stop injuring that disc.
- You stop, pain stops.
Wrong answer: But if all you do is stop, and rest for a while
- Pain goes away you’re good?
- Now the structure is weaker, so it will get injured again and even easier.
- This is a false start.
Right answer: Train smart: Gradual increase in load
- You need to slowly get stronger with a “lighter version” of the thing you have trouble with.
- You will feel residual pain, but it’s often just a “phantom/residual” pain. The more you do, the more it goes away.
Right answer: Stop doing high-risk activities
- At the same time, some activities you want to stop. For example, I stopped dead lifting, because the “precision required” to avoid injury isn’t worth the benefit.
Final load-bearing ability:
- Usually the dynamic structures are stronger.
Misc topics
Pride vs Self Confidence vs Hubris/Arrogance
Interesting - in Dr. Raph’s model, pride is good, arrogance is bad. The test for the boundary is “how impressive is the achievement?” Pride ducking with you is my post on pride and arrogance.
Diagnosing your favorite pain
Mental pain falls into three categories, each requiring different approaches:
Psychological Pain (Self-focused)
These are pains you can experience even if you were alone in the universe:
Self-doubt - “Am I capable of handling this?” Self-disappointment - “I failed to meet my own standards” Loss of control - “I can’t manage what’s happening to me” (the root of most anxiety)
Interpersonal Pain (Relationship-focused)
These require another person, even if only in memory or imagination:
Guilt/Unfairness - Contract violations (you broke a promise vs. someone broke a promise to you) Shame/Disappointment - Exposure of inadequacy (you were revealed as incapable vs. someone else was) Loss of autonomy/Abandonment - Distance problems (too close/controlled vs. too far/disconnected)
Loneliness
Loneliness is the suffering that results from a perceived or actual lack of meaningful connection.
NOTE: Loneliness is not solitude, and loneliness can exist even when surrounded by others
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Solitude can be a choice, a positive experience of being alone with oneself, often leading to creativity or peace.
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Loneliness is unwanted. It’s the distress that comes from perceiving yourself as isolated or disconnected, even if you are physically surrounded by people.
Boredom
Boredom is a perceived absence of meaningful stimulation, coupled with a lack of compelling internal or external targets for attention, which triggers discomfort and a craving for change.
For example:
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Low matterness: Nothing seems to “make a difference.”
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Low meaning: The present moment lacks interpretable value or direction.
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Weak choice: You may feel trapped or uninspired, which diminishes autonomy and the sense of influence.
The correct responses to boredom:
- “What would it take to make this moment matter?”
- “What could I care about here?”
- Is there a way I can serve, create, or connect?”
Use boredom as a trigger for redirection—not suppression. It invites deliberate design: re-engaging attention, crafting purpose, or revisiting your aspirationsglossary.
Be careful boredom is a breading ground for addiction
Spiritual Pain (Life-journey focused)
These are about the meaning and direction of your existence:
Hopelessness - “Nothing will ever improve” Meaninglessness - “My life has no purpose or direction” Regret - “I’ve wasted precious time and opportunities”
Why categorization matters: The same surface emotion (like “I feel bad”) could stem from any of these levels. A skilled approach requires identifying which type of pain you’re actually experiencing, because the solutions are completely different.
For more info
See Raph’s this