Mania: It's like a free cocaine drip

emotional intelligence , emotion
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The words that follow, I pray will never be my own – What pains me most is I see how crystal clear my illness was in the beginning and how I was surrounded by so much love. So, so many family and friends were desperately trying to intervene, and I spurned them and then reacted despicably. I am so, so sorry. I failed as a husband, a father, a brother, friend, and as a kind human being. It is a hard pill to swallow that I was the Evil one. Why did I fail? Me. My brain. My manic self. I wanted more than anything to prove them wrong. That I could do this. But I couldn’t. You can learn a lot, but you can’t unlearn bipolar disorder. I desperately wanted to believe that bipolar disorder wasn’t real and that I could stop living in fear of it. That all the doubters were wrong (from a friend with bipolar).

I’ve always described my hypomanic episode in a positive light (but that’s a trap) - I’ve never taken cocaine, but I did go hypomanic in 2012, and it was glorious. Infinite energy, sharp as a whip, maximum creativity. Well, that’s my subjective reality, but external observers said I was talking fast, jittery, etc. And of course, such high energy can go out of control, and it must be paid back with some future depression.

Don’t fool yourself, this is as serious as depression

The failure modes: Crash your car, spend all your money, have an affair.

Crash your car - I hate driving, I’m either riding a bicycle, or as of 2023, or my car is driving me. Safe

Spend all your money - Lucky for me, I’m pretty cheap, and basically own everything I want already.

Have an affair - This is my highest risk, luckily at the time I was in terrible shape, and now I know there is nothing more sacred than my family.

What you should do if you sense I’m going hypomanic

In the bipolar survival guide, they say it’s critical to make a plan for when you go off-kilter while you’re stable. So here’s my plan:

  • Need to figure this out.
  • Make me read this
  • Get me into a psychiatrist ASAP.
    • Check I’m still on my meds
  • Check I’m still doing my practices
  • Make sure I’ve checked in with my friends/bipolar support

My hypomania in 2012

Cause

I had been diagnosed with depression and went on SSRIs. I remember it clear as day about 12 weeks to the day of taking SSRIs we were driving back from Oregon (TBD: Find old blog post), and I suddenly felt fantastic.

I told my psychiatrist (I’d only had him for 12 weeks), and he was like you need to stop SSRIs immediately, he also prescribed some valium in case symptoms got worse.

The episode:

I stabilized at high energy for about 2 or 3 months

Stuff I did

  • Poetry Class (link color blue was born)
  • Poetry Slam (link slam)
  • Very impressive strategy at work (link Manish inspiration post)
  • Other ??

Interventions:

  • Lamotrigine/Lamictal - for the rest of my life.

Post Episode:

  • Did I become depressed don’t recall.

Optimal energy vs Hypomania

Sometimes, I’m at my best, and I wonder if I’m going hypomanic - so far the real condition seems to be how much sleep I need. As long as I get tired and need sleep, I’m probably just operating at my best, and feeling great for it.

Hypomania vs Mania

I liked to use the word Mania with my psychiatrist, he scolded me, no you’re not manic. Manic is different, and he told me a story.

Fished his client out of Lake Union in a wrestling leotard. What are you doing asked the police? Oh, I’m planning on pulling this tugboat.

Mania vs Cocaine

Drugs are fantastic till they ruin your life. Mania is like that too.

From your favorite LLM:

Behaviors and consequences associated with mania and cocaine use, without addressing the duration of their effects.

Behavior Aspect Mania Cocaine Use
Mood Elevated, expansive, or irritable mood. Intense euphoria and heightened confidence.
Energy and Alertness High energy and activity levels; decreased need for sleep. Spike in energy and alertness; increased physical and mental activity.
Impulsivity and Risk-Taking Impulsive decision-making and engagement in risky activities. Impulsiveness and propensity for taking risks, especially when under the influence.
Social Behavior Overly social, intrusive, and lacking social boundaries. Fluctuating social behavior; initially increased sociability, followed by possible withdrawal.
Self-Perception Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity, often disconnected from reality. Temporary feelings of grandiosity and invincibility.
Speech and Thought Patterns Rapid, pressured speech; racing thoughts and ideas. Fast talking; thoughts can be accelerated but may lack depth and coherence.
Sleep Patterns Significantly reduced need for sleep without feeling fatigued. Decreased need for sleep during use; rebound sleepiness or exhaustion after effects wear off.
Judgment and Decision-Making Impaired judgment leading to potentially severe life consequences. Compromised decision-making abilities, often leading to immediate negative consequences.
Addiction and Dependence Not applicable as mania is a symptom of a disorder; however, behaviors can have addictive-like patterns. High potential for addiction, with a compulsion to use despite negative effects.
Aftereffects Can include post-manic depression, exhaustion, or stabilization with treatment. Comedown effects include depression, lethargy, and a strong craving to use again.

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